You Can’t Thank a Machine

 

"There is something ambiguous about time... We have to launch ourselves out, relinquishing a state threatened by death, in the sure faith we will discover fullness."

St. Dimutru Staniloae, The Experience of God

The last two weeks I chimed in my very short opinions on the conservative and progressive viewpoints. A few people have commented to me on other platforms that they enjoyed reading my posts, but told me I was far too kind to my won former camp of conservativism. They were right, of course: it can be very difficult to critique what you came from honestly, and to be totally blunt neither post was very fun to write. This is because, even though I did my level best to write against ideologies, and not people, the simple fact of the matter is that people I love, care for, and respect ascribe to points of view I think are inherently and inordinately destructive to them. I take no joy in pointing at things that have given people I love meaning and screaming "ACTUALLY IT'S KILLING YOU PLEASE STOP." 

However, they are only the wings on the bird, halves of a whole. Yes, they are a whole. And the whole problem is secularism, which is practical and political atheism. I was going to write a post on the subject, detailing how popular atheism is actually a pretty recent thing, how it’s eerily linked to the loss of true astrology, and a lot of other esoteric nonsense. I would have felt very smart, people who know more about the subjects I would have mentioned would have rolled their eyes, and people who didn’t wouldn’t have really benefited. Instead, I’m going to try something else, something about time.

I’ve been going through a personal process of change lately. It’s been complicated and I may not write about it for a few years, but rest assured it’s happening. A lot of really intense healing work is being done, and rapidly. A logic in the story of my life is beginning to appear as I work through the difficulties of my existence. As I remember more and more a narrative emerges. And as I work through this stuff I’ve found myself becoming grateful for this very next moment.

And this one.

This one too.

Yup.

Just keep going!

It’s not this overwhelming “OOH LIFE IS HUNKY DORY HOORAY” or any smarmy bullshit. It’s a small, quiet realization the moment has been given to me. I didn’t have to have it. There is nothing stopping me from winking out the next second. 

But I don’t. And neither did you.

The older I get the more I realize it’s a gift. Me. My existence. There’s no inherent right I have to any of it. I’m a small, fragile existence, who shouldn’t have any right to decide anything. But I can. Against all odds and decent guesses, I am alive. Husband. Father. Somehow, despite every bit of exertion in the universe, I chose those things. Somehow I was conscious a better choice existed and gave everything I didn’t think I had to make those choices. It was harder than I could ever tell you, to continue making that choice, over and over and over. Decisions are not one-time events, but a resolution made over time, repeatedly, and they have to be made in faith that that resolution is going to be worthwhile.

Faith.

As in, a deep and constant trust, even without sufficient evidence. Sorry, but the past is not sufficient evidence for moving forward, not ever. 

Over-reliance upon the past is pathologically bad for you. All the ancient spiritualities say it. I've spent the last seven years in therapy working through just how true that statement is, so obviously modern psychology agrees with this timeless statement. Learning to stay in the present, taking the past in advisement while not being enslaved to it and heading into the unknown of the future... that's a type of death. 

If you are psychologically healthy you are constantly facing the death of the past and the present. I am learning to do that in faith that the next moment will not only come, but it is a deliberate gift, and that I should be grateful for it.  But here's the thing: you can't thank a machine for doing its job because to be thankful requires someone on the distant end to say "You're welcome". This is such an obvious point that it's very easy to overlook and thus argue the point, but I do not know of a single person alive capable of maintaining a grateful mindset without relationship, true and genuine. Theism at that point isn't a nice option, but a requirement. If you say "thank you" into the universe and you feel "you're welcome" back, by definition that means there's something on the other end saying it back. Now, the more I lean into this way of being thankful, the more I feel myself detaching from whether or not the success or failure of my actions matters. I am not in control of the next moment. The only thing I am in control of is how I respond. To have the next moment at all is such an earth-shattering gift that I frankly don't have time to go "Oh fuck that didn't work! Why????" It's a waste of time, as I will never get that answer, or if I do it will either be on an impractical timeline or just... I mean has anyone ever gotten an answer to that question and found it helpful?? I sure haven't met anyone who could claim that.

Now I am very aware that there's another way to face the death of your present moment as it becomes the past, the one of endurance. You face the death of the present as someone on the wall of a city facing a siege, awaiting the end. Change has come, and frankly it's a really messed up game of Russian Roulette as to whether or not it's something that'll take you out or not. Now, one can make the case that they can definitely believe in a God while believing that the next moment is actually Russian Roulette. But I'm not talking about what's in your head, I'm talking about what's in your nervous system. 

I will say it again, coz someone is going to go "No I don't think that and I'm an atheist or I don't think the way you think I do!"

I didn't say you thought it. 

It's not a thought.

It's not something that pops up in your head.

It's an expectation in perception. It is the lens you use to determine how to look at reality, which then dictates your thoughts. 

Now, someone can tell me "But there isn't anything out there, or God is continuously after me and you can't fucking convince me otherwise, because saying there's something out there that's benevolent is an irrational fairytale." And sure, I can't convine you otherwise. My entire life, existence, is a testatement to otherwise, but sure, I can't actually convince you.

But I can say, emphatically, that whether or not it's a childish fairytale is irrelevant: being continuously thankful (which requires two subjects) is a lot more healthy than constantly bracing yourself for the next impact. No, I'm not claiming that one is constantly anxiously awaiting the future. It is possible to harden yourself against the moment of death, to make your expectation of enduring. I mean, that's stoicism. You can go do that. It takes years and years and years, and there's some really good guidance on how to do that. But it's you against the universe, which is much much bigger than you. 

I shouldn't have to say which one has less mental and physiological overhead; it takes less muscles to smile than frown.

Why am I bringing this up? Because secularism  is based off this automatic response. Conservativsm looks to the past to endure the present moment of death, knowing that it's all been done before and hoping to find a solution to endure the new now. Progressivism looks beyond the next moment, in an absurd hope that somehow, some way, someone will figure out something new. And, even though my disgust for progressivism's... hope isn't the right word, but that's the word they'd use, even though it isn't.. is obvious and I have a lot of vitriol for such adolescent silliness, the simple fact of the matter is that conservatism is trying to deal with the same existential problem. The issue is that this attitude has some really serious and obvious side effects, leading to... well... do you remember any mention of death camps killing tens of millions of people before the 20th century, when the Enlightenment really came to roost?

You don't either?

Huh. 

Odd.

I sure don't.

Now, some smartass will attempt to state that the colonialism of Western Europe counts, despite the glaringly obvious lack of it before the Enlightenment era. And honestly, all it takes is a quick survey of any of the Enlightenment-era writers to see they are specifically trying to undo spiritual experience as the primary aspect of life and to put the mind first, even going so far as to deny the nous, not to mention the silly notion that secular humanity would be gentler than religious humanity...

Yeah. Sure. That aged well.

The problem, the real problem, is that one cannot endure the present moment without becoming more hardened and destructive than we already are. Hardening may help you get through the next moment, but it doesn't have a great historical track record, best I can ascertain.

Oh, wait, you wanted something that didn't result in humans being massive assholes? You wanted all war to be gone and for people to miraculously start getting along? You wanted to maintain the nice cuddly myth that things were worse in the past than they are now, and that all ideas before just led to bigotry, oppression, and superstition?

You are aware that superstitious occult practices skyrocketed during the Enlightenment, right?

Now who's talking unrealistic fairy tales?

You can either be thankful for the opportunity to be in the next moment, or harden yourself because you don't know what's coming. 

All you can really do is pick one. And embrace that your choice brings consequences, and that by making the choice you choose the consequences, good and bad.