Safety is a bit of buzzword in the RPG world at the moment. Lots and lots of games being released these days have at least one discussion on safety and everyone being welcome and all that. Bleak Spirit, one of my favorite games, has a seemingly constant barrage of "Make sure everyone is welcome and feeling safe!", and Pathfinder 2e has a pretty constant stream of it as well, at least in comparison to what's in been past RPG products. I'm sure there's more, but I'm not buying a constant stream of RPGs, so I will not pretend to an encyclopedic knowledge of the current industry.
I'm not entirely sympathetic to the barrage that I'm perceiving.
Notice that I didn't say that making sure that people feel safe in your games is bad. I just get a little tired of reading a constant "Are you guys treating each other well??" That's not the job of a book. Or the writer of the game. Or really anyone not you. That's your job. You should be treating each other well, whether you're playing a game or walking or eating or whatever. That's not a game discussion, that's an ethics discussion. You should have a moral core, regardless of what you're doing. Games are not an excuse to be a dick. Having an escape with your friends is not an excuse to mistreat them.
Has it sunk in yet?
Good!
We're done here.
Oh.
Right.
The tag on this blog post reads advice. My bad.
I'm going to have to do a session zero post someday. I keep talking about it, but I'm lazy. The point is that you should do a session zero with your players and hash everything out, by and large. Everyone should have already told you what they were interested in playing, even if it meant just them saying they wanted to play a paladin and they don't want to come up with a backstory, so the character has amnesia.
Now, most of the time people are going to come up with rather innocuous ideas of what they want to do narratively, to the point to where I don't think the discussion on safety even needs to come up. If you're playing in a group of friends this should not need to be discussed.
Oh, how I wish I could leave it at that.
We all have one of those folks: y'know, the one who's a bit of jerk and we really don't like them but for some odd reason you keep them around. I do not recommend playing with those people, flat. Not only that, but I recommend you tell them that, to their face. Politely. But do tell them. "I don't want to play with you. You make me uncomfortable". Or some variation thereof. Don't be a jerk. Don't call them a jerk. But it is important that sorta thing get hashed out. RPGs are a form of entertainment. They are not supposed to be a minefield. And if they make you uncomfortable it's not on you to ignore that. If someone is showing narcissistic tendencies or is an alcoholic (functioning or not!) or the like you are not obligated to play with them.
And there's those players. They're interested in exploring kinda weird stuff, and their tastes are darker than the average players'. The good variety of these folks are perfectly fine. They've got more than a few dark impulses, but they're generally respectful enough. And sometimes they'll want to explore darker stuff. So long as they're upfront about it and everyone is in on it there is absolutely no issue with it. For those players I highly recommend the veils and lines ideas that the safety folks have come up with. Veils are events that everyone says "Yup, that happened, let's not speak more about it!" and then fade to black. Lines are things that you just do not let happen in the game, ever. It does not matter where people think the narrative should go, a line is a bloody friggin' line. Make sure that everyone knows what needs to fade to black and what will not be discussed, ever, ever. As in, have everyone verbally acknowledge it at the table, with everyone else present. If you want to make a list do so, but most of the time people don't seem to need the reminder if someone says "No killing puppies please". Take the time to establish this stuff. If it's the right kind of player you will get no arguments from them. In fact they're generally quite happy to do so!
But then there's the bad variety of those players. They're not interested in having fun, even if it means darker themes and materials. They want an excuse to hurt and torture. They derive pleasure from hurting people in the game and/or at the table. Those players do exist. I've met them. They made my skin crawl. And I never played with them again. At the time I was just starting to play, and had anxieties about not meeting another group of people. I'm so glad I did not let that stop me. If you're in that position, do not let it stop you. It's far better to not be playing and to be safe than having a game where you genuinely wonder for your sanity. And, if you misjudged and someone like that winds up in your game, kick them out immediately. Don't just pull the trigger on a whim, but if someone is out to do harm you owe it to yourself and your players to get rid of the troublemaker.
Now, how do you actually approach content that's been flagged as problematic with your group? Because sometimes the narrative does indeed go that way. Not too long ago Mikansia, Lena's character, was raped. Lena and I had talked about exploring darker themes before, so this didn't just come out of the blue. The session was not intended to go that way, but it did. We established that the rape happened, got the relevant details from that encounter out of the way as quickly as possible, and then we checked in on each other. Questions like "Are you OK? That was a lot" were thrown around. And we were honest about whether or not we really were OK! That's important. And we got a really incredible moment that proceeded from it, with Akseli and Mikansia forging a father-daughter bond. So check in with your players, and let them check in on you! You're a player, just like them, and you should not be toughing out this sorta thing alone. You are not alone.
One last thing. Safety doesn't necessarily mean just the stuff that y'all have in your heads or on paper or whatever. Sometimes stuff just happens at the table. Session Eighteen of The Giggling Dark, where a young child was twisted and corrupted into a revenant, was originally going to end quite differently. The revenant was going to win, Sir Xellous' wife was going to die, and Sir Xellous was going to be left for dead. Ryan did not like this, not one bit. He told me I was being bloodthirsty, that my twists were just too punishing, and that I was constantly invalidating his choices. I hadn't realized I was doing that. I apologized, explained (but did not excuse) myself, and then we went back and redid one of the key rolls, which Ryan had failed. I had forgotten about an advantage he should have gotten. So we redid the roll, with the advantage in there. Ryan made the roll, and everything changed after that point. These interpersonal mistakes are going to happen. When they do, it's your job to acknowledge that you hurt your friend (regardless of whether you know them well or not) and to act with that in mind. Ryan didn't mind the dark ending. He minded that I had taken his agency in the game away, however unintentionally. I hadn't intended that. So we made sure he got it.
Safety is something that I really wish that I didn't have to talk about. It really should be a no-brainer. But role-playing games are interpersonal, and people suck at this sort of stuff, even when they mean well! So make sure that everyone is on the right page, that you don't let (or keep) bad apples in your game, make sure that troubling in-game incidents are handled with care, and make sure that all of your players are treated as the best of friends. There's a lot more on this can be said, but I think this is a pretty good introduction to the topic. Be patient with yourself, especially with stuff like this.
EDIT: So, aslum on Reddit had kindly informed me about the Veils and Lines doc, which was something I was unaware of. This isn't the original doc, but it's still pretty awesome. Thanks for the correction!
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