Rise of the Red Skull: Crossbones (Solo Basic)

You are going to have to forgive my rage. I had typed up what I thought was a really good review of Crossbones.... and then Blogger ate the whole post. The whole. Frickin. Thing. I honestly felt so bitter about it I almost rage quit right there. I still might. So here's take two! Here's hoping Blogger behaves. Yes, I know I could just use a Word Doc. You're absolutely right. But something about being able to see the pictures and the formatting helps me focus more than if it was simply a Word Doc. Pick your poison, right?

Alright, rant over.

Constraints of Review

I am using the prefabbed decks that come with the box to see how they handle solo play. I do not have the option to do group play by and large, so please take everything you read here with the knowledge that I have no idea how it relates to group play and probably won't for months. When I do get to do group play I'll let you know what I think then. Because I will be playing with everything out of the box, as-is, I will be doing the whole thing on Basic difficulty. I'll go through the box again on Solo Expert and will write up something for that, then.

What is This?

This is the first major expansion for Marvel Champions the Living Card Game. It includes five villains (Crossbones, Absorbing Man, Taskmaster, Zola, and Red Skull) and arranges them in a campaign format. Fight the villains in order, upgrading your deck with campaign cards. It's a pretty simple set up, but simple can be very good. We'll see.

Crossbones

We're finally at the main event, the man himself: Crossbones! What a delightful pain in the ass I found him! Crossbones specializes in weapon attachments, which bring him passive bonuses and other abilities that turn him into a constant threat if you aren't discarding the appropriate resources. Crossbones has a side deck that brings out additional weapons with each advance made in his scheme. Respect these weapons and prioritize them, otherwise you'll end up like me, facing a monstrosity of a villain who will just chew you up and spit you out like you were bad breakfast. His second character stage in particular is nasty, allowing him to pull out a machine gun and deal just loads and loads of damage. I found that when he went to second stage I had to pick and choose my fights very carefully, as he could one hit either Spider-Woman or Hawkeye with ease. Fortunately, Crossbones has a glaw jaw, with the lowest hp for any villain so far. So it's possible to nova him as well, you just have to be smart about it.

I had a very hard time with Spider-Woman, losing three times in a row before I got the trick and finally won. Spider-Woman doesn't have a whole lot of damage mitigation in her deck and no interrupts, which means that I had very little to actually protect me. That being said, her Pheromones card (Stun and Confuse!) let me switch back pretty often without taking a lot of threat. That being said, I was too conservative on switching back: it's a three stage scheme, so it's not like you can't retreat a bit if you need to. 

With Hawkeye, however, I won on the first game. That may be because I played him after Spider-Woman and got wise to the tricks that Crossbones has? I don't know? What I do know is that it's good to have Allies (read: chump blockers) to deal with Crossbone's evil ways. You have to be able to ride out the bursts of stupid amounts of damage to deal with Crossbones, which Hawkeye's deck is able to do very well.

Conclusion

I know the community has been talking about the lack of villains for a long time. It's been warranted. But if Crossbones is any indication of the quality of this box I think I can safely say the wait has been worth it. Crossbones was a lot of fun to play against, with some really interesting spikes and weaknesses that made fighting him a really entertaining prospect. And that's after five games, in a row. They were short. Intense. Powerful. But man, I liked fighting him.

I'm really excited for the rest of the box.

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The Pull: September 2020 Edition

 

Boy what a month so far! This has been a really amazing haul folks. I can't wait to get into it with you.

By the way, SPOILERS

The Amazing Spider-Man 46 and 47

I've read a lot of Spider-Man. I've loved the character since I was two. I've read his history, multiple times, and have tried to get into whatever sources I can to learn more about Peter Parker. I won't pretend to have a perfect memory about the character, but I do know a whole hell of a lot.

This is a truly unique story arc. I'm telling you now, it's going to be a classic.

Yes, really.

Jump on it. Now.

Throughout all his years Spider-Man has had a rule against killing. Unlike most heroes Spider-Man's rule against killing has a very poignant edge: he's lost so many friends, in some truly brutal and awful ways, that he cannot imagine inflicting that same pain on someone else, for any reason. He believes in the sanctity of life because it's been desecrated so many times in his life that he must hold onto it with every ounce of strength. And that's been directly challenged plenty! When Otto became Spider-Man he laughed at the rule. Peter's had many conversations with folks like The Punisher and Wolverine about the necessity of taking lives. And they keep pointing out the same thing: Peter is only a deterrent. He cannot solve anything.

I've never seen a Spider-Man story where this point was hammered so hard. Sin-Eater isn't just killing people, but he's bringing them back without their powers and their evil tendencies! They're peaceful! Reformed! I mean Sin-Eater has a bunch of powers now, but all these people are reformed. Right? Right?

And Peter doesn't have a freaking clue yet. It's beautiful. I've not been this excited by a Spider-Man story for a very long time. And that's because we're seeing something incredible.

Mighty Morphin Power Rangers 53

So I'd accidentally stopped following this title a while back and decided that I wanted to get back into it. 

Power Rangers has always been a concept that I found was hampered by its medium. I don't know of many adults who would say no to a story about a group of disparate peoples defending the world from perpetual alien invasions. I mean, Pacific Rim exists people and it's awesome. I'm not saying that Power Rangers is Pacific Rim without a budget, but... OK, that's what I'm saying. We're going to move on.

I have found that the concept of Power Rangers has always been respected by the comics. Without the constraint of budget and corporate idiocy the creative teams have been free to explore concepts that the TV fluffed, like the Dark Rangers. Zedd is terrifying. Legitimately. The rangers are well-written and... I can't believe I'm saying this... but Rocky has a freaking personality. 

That alone is worth it to me.

X-Men 11

I don't think anyone's really caught the joke of Hickman's X-Men comic run yet. Everyone's been talking about the incredibly progressive approach of this comic to a lot of things, and how Xavier's initial dream is dead. But that would be to ignore who Hickman is, as a writer, an artist, a person. 

Hickman constructs machines of truly epic proportions, details them out, makes sure they work, and then throws them at characters whose flaws are just as big as the machines he constructs. None of the characters are moral; they're constructed of virtues and flaws, miniaturized versions of his universal machines, all running around and trying to manipulate everything to get what they need. Hickman is not a moral writer. That's what gives his stories such a mythological scope and what makes him so beloved:

That is full on display here. Magneto is painted as Exodus as a true hero, someone who is willing to defend those who cannot defend themselves. The tone is appropriately mythic, painting a former genocidal maniac as the hero of the mutant, while making sure that we see Magneto as some messiah to the mutant race.

This is Hickman.

He's doing it on purpose.

I'm excited.

Darth Vader 4

I was told very specifically to pick up this comic. I was told that it was amazing and deserved my attention. I've actually heard that about all the other Darth Vader comics. And honestly I fight that sorta hype. Hard. I wasn't initially that interested in the comic, so that didn't help. But a buddy of mine insisted and he knows my... reservations, about hype. And Star Wars. And he told me to buy the damn comic anyway.

Boy I'm glad he did.

This is not what I expected. 

Vader is post-Empire Strikes Back, reeling from being rejected by Luke. He goes to Naboo, only to encounter the handmaidens of Amidala. The sheer visual story-telling chops of this comic are... just amazing. I loved all the intercuts, color variations, the emotional build up, all of it... it adds up to something that could not have been done in any other medium but a comic book. I don't see that very often. I'm wonderfully surprised to see it here.

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The Dunwich Legacy: The House Always Wins

There had been no time to celebrate after Pete and Duke had returned with Professor Rice to Pete's friend, Professor Armitage: Pete was immediately sent out by his elderly friend to find Dr. Francis Morgan. "If Professor Rice was in trouble then Dr. Morgan is definitely in trouble", was what Prof. Armitage with a bit of a sniff. Prof. Rice was known for frequenting shady locales, particularly The Clover Club.

Professor Rice, grateful for being saved from the slaughter at Miskatonic University, had volunteered to go with Pete and Duke, to help however he could. He had been the only person to survive the wholesale killing from that night, including Georgia. Georgia was a student at the Miskatonic University. She had tried to help Pete find Prof. Rice, only to leave to go fight that... thing... that had escaped from the Science Department. There had been no hesitation, no fear, on Georgia's part. Pete wished he could have said the same. Had he avoided the fight with the monstrosity on the campus out of pure cowardice? Had he really been focused on getting to Prof. Rice as much as he said he had? Pete had asked himself that question then, although he refused to acknowledge it. But when they'd left campus Pete had seen her... what was was left of the pieces of Georgia, scattered about the ground. And all because Pete hadn't gone with her.

Duke growled, but Pete didn't hear him. All he saw was the door to the Clover Club. A man in a pinstripe suit watched them with the sneer of the mob.

The growl turned to a bark.

The sneer turned to terror.

There was a skittering up Pete's leg, little pins in his calf. One yelp and a shake later revealed an enormous rat. Pete stomped and immediately wished he hadn't; the guts of the creature stuck in the holes of his shoes. He heard the skittering and squeaking behind him and felt ice water in his veins. Duke, on the other hand, charged the oncoming horde, snarling, rending, throwing rat corpses the size of terriers aside like they were so many torn paper bags.  The horde fled, vanishing into the darkness with their squeaks of rage and impotence.

The pinstripe suit was trembling. ".... again... not again.. I can't stand those... Can't. Can't. Mamma couldn't..."

The only thing Pete could see was Georgia's mangled pieces. There were flies crawling out what was left of her mouth. Already. Things rot so fast.

All of a sudden Pete was back with the man in the suit. "These... these aren't the first?" he asked with a shudder. The suit shook his head. "How... how bad is it?"

The suit looked up. "We've lost a lot of customers. It's been this way the last few weeks. Whole hordes of vermin.... and I know worse? But I just hate rats."

The thing had ripped her scalp off; blood pooled behind her head.

"Duke and  I can help with the rats. And... and whatever else."

Professor Rice started. "That's not why we're here. We came to-"

"Shut up. Duke and I. We got this."

Duke was bristling. Pete knelt next to him, stroking his fur, shushing him, whispering sweet nothings into those long and floppy ears. Slowly Duke stopped bristling. And then they all walked into the Clover Club.

A man in a solid midnight suit was on them like white on rice. "Excuse me, the mutt-"

"- can help us with our pest problem, boss" chimed the pin-striped suit. "He made real good work of another one of those mobs."

"Oh," he stared at Pete and Duke "You're here to help with our... problem?"

Pete held out a hand. "Yessir. I'm Aschan Pete. I manage for Duke over there." Duke, slobbering and panting, looked over at the barren tables.

The midnight suit shook Pete's hand. "Jimmy. Pleased to make yours and Duke's acquaintance." Pete nodded. "Knock yourselves out," Jimmy said, handing Pete a fire axe. "Just in case."

Nothing else seemed amiss in the lounge, apart from it being almost completely empty. So Pete went to the bar. As if on cue, the squeaks and swarming started. Pete and Duke scattered them after a few minutes of swings and bites. Pete was happy he had the axe; no more rat guts in his shoes! There was a glass of whisky on one of the tables. Pete drained it in a gulp, swallowing around the incoming fire. Duke was happily breaking a dead rat's back, whipping it from side to side in his jaws.

There was a skittering in the room just beyond, followed by screams. Sighing, Pete grabbed the axe and rushed into the adjoining card room. Duke charged ahead of him. Squeals, screams, barks, and the falling of an axe followed shortly thereafter. Exhausted, Pete slumped back against a table. A blackjack dealer was cowering atop it, shaking like a leaf. There was another glass of whisky next to the shaky dealer. Downing the fire, Pete poked the shaking boy; he fell off the table with a yelp. "I'd like to play a round, if that's arright with you, Pete slurred. Trembling, the dealer leaned against the table and stood up.

10.

"Hit me"

3

"Hit me"

King

"DAMNIT!! Pete roared and hit the table, causing the poor boy to jump. "That never works for me!"

Screams were heard from the lounge. Duke had begun to move a split second before that.

A looming white monstrosity was coming out of a hole in the floor; there were no breaks in the floorboards, which looked dissolved. Duke lunged; he squealed as he was batted aside like a ragdoll, trashing a nearby table, sending chairs flying into the nearby walls. Jimmy came running up and was dragged back down into the hole, screams echoing in the ears of the survivors. Pulling  back into the bar with everyone else, Pete hid next to the door. a few minutes later the pale thing looked in, cautiously.

The world lost all color. Warmth. All that moved. And began to swirl around something... else. Duke squared up, growling, at the roiling colors and warmth, oblivious to the black and white world he was in.

Pete buried his axe into the white thing's head.

He saw Georgia's face a second before the axe buried itself in it. Pete fell backwards, screaming into the world of black and white and grey and cold.

A few barks and growls and the world went back to warmth and color. Pete grabbed a random glass nearby and chugged. "GAH! VODKA! Blech!"

After a minute Pete and Duke went back into the lounge. The yawning abyss stared back up at them. "You ready boy?" Duke whined. There was no color in the tunnel Pete found in the abyss. Duke sniffed in the black and white and grey gloom. 

The color was back up above, in the- around - more spheres. One of the men charged in at them, at whatever it was. Pete and Duke charged up and out, ripping and hacking the thing apart. Color returned to the world.

The man who had swung at the color draining spheres clapped Pete on the shoulder. "I'm Peter Clover, owner of the club you trashed." Pete's face fell. Peter Clover laughed. "Oh c'mon, I'm just joking! You saved my life! I could never begin to repay you for that."

Dr. Francis Morgan was nowhere to be found, try as they might. He was gone.

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Tempered Legacy: First Impressions

This is not a review. A review, in my opinion, requires play-time and some time to sit down and look at your experiences again and see what you thought about the thing, in hindsight. This is not that. I've not played with the book. This is what I think of the product, as I'm sitting down to take an initial look at it. I find it valuable to write First Impressions because it helps me to process what I find initially and see if it lines up later, after actual table time.

You can find the link to Tempered Legacy here!

Anyone remember Weapons of Legacy? Y'know, that 3.5 book that had a really fantastic idea about items leveling up and getting stronger and developing a personality of sorts? What if someone took that idea and scaled it down, just a bit, and then made the ideas a bit easier to implement? While implying an entire gaming system while they were at it?

This book answers all four of those questions.

Yes, this book resembles Weapons of Legacy. But, unlike that tome, this is a 62 page zine, with 10 of those pages being rules and the rest example items. Weapons have special abilities, which are hidden behind locks or conditions. Locks can be regrets, goals, or something else personal to the former wielder that prevents you from getting to the ability that wielder had added to the item in question. Undo the Lock and you get the (good) Ability! And then there are Mutations, which are essentially curses, from which you need to find relief. Each Mutation has a condition for its lifting. If you meet the condition the Mutation ends. Weapons can have almost any number of slots, while armor's slottage is a bit more restricted. I'm not sure what the logic was behind that but we'll see when it hits the table.

There's some rules on how to make sure people can spot the items more easily, as well as the value of said items. A lot of it is simple bookkeeping stuff and helps answer just a few pocket cases that may come up. I certainly won't allow anyone at my table to sell these items, but I suppose there are those who would find that acceptable at their table. I really like the table that tells you how that particular item looks unique. 10 options doesn't look like a lot, but honestly how many do you really need to communicate that the item is special?

Another cool thing about the book is it suggests using the magical items in lieu of class abilities. I could very easily see an OSR game where this is exactly what happens: just generate six ability scores, possibly some light skill tech or what-have-you, and have everyone make up an item they want to use, and then go use this book to generate the slots! The book is very open that this means DIY game design, but given how many sample items are in the book you could get away with not using your own stuff for awhile if you're not comfortable with that sorta thing. One could certainly make an incredible Zelda game with this little booklet.

Hhhhmm.....

The interesting thing to me was that, as I began to generate items using the procedures in the zine, a setting began to materialize. History, geography, stuff just started to coalesce. Before I knew it I had a setting that was the beginning of a really good dungeoncrawl. So when I contacted some folks to do a Torchbearer campaign I decided to throw this in, see what happened. I asked them for a wishlist, and began to generate a history for the items using the rules here. I've gotten the wishlist fully generated and the campaign has a lot of potential. Especially when the players began to give me backstories. This whole world just sorta popped into my head, based off of that. 

When I actually get to use the items in game I'll let you know how it goes. But so far I'm really impressed. This essentially a game and setting generator, in ten pages of rules.

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Eastern Orthodox New Year

I really love the Byzantine new year. It took me awhile to get it, but once I did its meaning slowly seeped into my soul, creating a measure of hope that I did not have before. September is generally the beginning of the autumn harvest, the time of gathering in, the time of preparation for the winter. The time of the dying of the physical light in our world is coming.

And this is the first Vespers reading for that time of preparation for the coming darkness:

“The Spirit of the Lord God is upon Me, because the Lord has anointed Me to preach good tidings to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; to proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn, to console those who mourn in Zion, to give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they may be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.”

And they shall rebuild the old ruins, they shall raise up the former desolations, and they shall repair the ruined cities, the desolations of many generations. Strangers shall stand and feed your flocks, and the sons of the foreigner shall be your plowmen and your vinedressers. But you shall be named the priests of the Lord, they shall call you the servants of our God. You shall eat the riches of the Gentiles, and in their glory you shall boast. 

Instead of your shame you shall have double honor, and instead of confusion they shall rejoice in their portion. Therefore in their land they shall possess double; everlasting joy shall be theirs “For I, the Lord, love justice; I hate robbery for burnt offering; I will direct their work in truth, and will make with them an everlasting covenant.

Their descendants shall be known among the Gentiles, and their offspring among the people. All who see them shall acknowledge them, that they are the posterity whom the Lord has blessed.”

-Isaiah 61:1-9

That actually reminds me of Vespers being the start of the liturgical day. The beginning of the day in the mind of the Church is not actually when the sun, the physical light, rises, but as it sets, with the oncoming darkness of the physical world portended. Which is when the Eastern rite mandates O Gentle Light:

O Gentle Light of the holy glory of the immortal, heavenly, holy, blessed Father, O Jesus Christ: Having come to the setting of the sun, having beheld the evening light, we praise the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit: God. Meet it is for Thee at all times to be hymned with reverent voices, O Son of God, Giver of life. Wherefore, the world doth glorify Thee.

 The Church is trying to prepare us for the coming darkness, by reminding us who the real Light is: Christ. Both in the cycles of the day and the year, the focus is upon getting people ready to face the external and internal darkness in the world.

The Byzantine New Year is a call to arms, a comfort in the gathering gloom. God is with us! Even when everything that gives us sensible light fails, internal or external, He is still there.

So He came to Nazareth, where He had been brought up. And as His custom was, He went into the synagogue on the Sabbath day, and stood up to read. And He was handed the book of the prophet Isaiah. And when He had opened the book, He found the place where it was written: “The Spirit of the LORD is upon Me, because He has anointed Me to preach the gospel to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovery of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed; to proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD."

Then He closed the book, and gave it back to the attendant and sat down. And the eyes of all who were in the synagogue were fixed on Him.

And He began to say to them, “Today this Scripture is fulfilled in your hearing."

So all bore witness to Him, and marveled at the gracious words which proceeded out of His mouth. And they said, “Is this not Joseph’s son?”

Luke 4:16-22, Gospel of the New Year

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Those Who Cry "I" in Silence At the Heart of the World: Session One

No, there isn't a session zero for this campaign. Nor am I GMing it; That would be my brother-in-law Kyle. The lack of a session zero will hopefully be clear by the time you get done with the post. If you don't see why that is please let me know and I will be more than happy to clarify. Thank you.

Teal awoke to water in his nose. About him was inky blackness, cold and utterly bereft of hope. Suppressing panic, Teal felt where his bubbles were going. Pushing up in that direction as fast he could wasn't good enough, however; Teal's lungs burned and he couldn't keep a level head anymore. So he rotated down, pointing his hands and feet towards the abyss. There was a FWOOSH.

Up.

Up.

Up. He popped out of the water like a cork. Into a dark storm. Into a titanic tidal wave. Teal looked down. He was up much higher than he intended; he was easily a quarter mile in the air. The tidal wave still dwarfed him, a quarter mile up! The tops of trees were being covered by the wave. Teal was going to die and he couldn't stop screaming because he was falling and he had a long way to fall. The wave smashed into Teal, knocking the wind out of him. But it didn't knock the sight of the incoming leaf-covered spears away from Teal. And the boat.

There was a boat.

Teal struck out toward toward it. He had one chance. His body briefly warped from the energy rippling through his fingers. The boat's lip cracked under Teal's grip, but he held on. Pulling himself up, Teal hoped the inhabitant was friendly.

The woman at the tiller was laughing, hair flapping in the wind. Her laugh went to cackle as they got closer to the trees.

Teal decided that maybe he should hang onto the side, out of the madwoman's sight, a little bit longer.

But those trees were getting closer and closer. Maybe that crazy woman wouldn't have so many pointy ends as what was coming at him. Teal pulled himself over the side. She didn't notice him as she continued that maniacal cackle. That crazy woman wasn't going to live. Teal needed to do something. 

Five figures appeared at the front of the boat, causing Teal to jump. He doubted the crazed woman noticed them. Teal felt a magical weight descend gently upon him. "Survive" he heard one of the five say.

And then they were done.

Teal tackled the tackled the cackling madwoman, bracing them against the boat with his magic.

CRACK

BOOM

WHUMP

Teal had always been incredibly hard to hurt and that held true here. Not one bit of the boat was intact; wood shards pierced trees. The loony girl was unconscious, but alive. Somehow. Teal shook her. "Hey!" Teal yelled. She needed to wake up. So Teal slapped her. That usually woke people up, right? But nothing. Teal couldn't stop slapping out of some misbegotten notion this woman would somehow notice. But her eyes remained closed. 

Teal slumped, leaning back onto a nearby tree. He finally felt it: there was no elan. Elan, the vital force that kept the world vibrant and beautiful... was gone. This was forest was ugly. Drab. It didn't sparkle and shine like he knew it should. What had happened here, what catastrophe had befallen the world to deprive any place, no matter how small, of elan??

Something large grabbed Teal. Something bony. Five talons. It came out of some strange ruby that lay nearby. Teal couldn't remember if it had been there a minute ago and right now he didn't care. Teal was being dragged to it by the gigantic hand. Screaming, Teal forced white-hot flames out of his hands. Calling forth sorcerous fire was something Teal was hardly skilled at, but he had to try.

The fire glanced off the ruby, which didn't so much as heat up.

And then Teal was in the hand of a glowing monstrosity, its being white from the emanation. "YOU SHOULDN'T BE HERE"" boomed the mouthless face. "WHY ARE YOU HERE"

"I... I... I... woke up in an ocean" managed Teal. "I was being attacked by cultists and then I woke up to a tidal wave! And now I'm here! Who're you??"

"DO YOU NOT RECOGNIZE MY VOICE??"

Teal stared idiotically, but only for a moment. "Kenuel???" Kenuel the star?" Teal's calling had been to sit in the astral tower of Mount Kenuel, helping poor malcontents learn the will of the star Kenuel, servant of Thule, Lord of Fate and Magic. Teal and Kenuel had achieved a bond not unlike friendship over the last decade, communing through the astrological rites of Thule, who Teal worshiped with all his heart. "But, but it's so good to see you! Finally we meet! Why... why aren't you happy to see me?"

"HOW DID YOU ESCAPE?"

"Escape what?"

"THE NIGHT YOUR PATRON WAS KILLED."

"Thule's dead???" Teal tried to work his jaw further but nothing came out of his mouth a moment. "I- I- I- He can't be."

"HE IS."

"But- but I-"

A small nimbus cloud was formed in the void and Teal was placed upon it; the nimbus was surprisingly firm. The large form before him swirled into a cloud, becoming a mere nine foot tall woman, features defined as if in granite.

"How is  Thule- how is-"

"A SPELL WAS CAST FROM YOUR MOUNTAIN THAT NIGHT"

"My mountain??"

Kenuel nodded.

"But they were nobodies when they broke in!  Thugs! Malcontents! With clubs! One of them raised a club and everything went dark!"

An invisible force slammed Teal down, breaking his ribs, knocking the air out of him. "I looked for you" Kenuel stated as Teal gasped and wheezed. "The spell launched from your mountain wrecked the whole order of creation, cursing your mountain. But that was not you. You cannot kill a god." Kenuel stared at Teal a moment, the light emanating from her glowing softer. "But you can find out what happened". Kenuel snapped her fingers. The ruby in Teal's fist glowed.

Teal stood outside what he had hoped would be his tower. The great land of Thylia, that great continent of peace.. .was now an island. From the mountain top Teal could see the coast. The land about Teal was decimated. Roiling energy sparked off of the barren stones. Literally nothing could live here for long. Teal needed to leave. His ribs were definitely broken and he knew if he didn't hurry he'd starve.

The ruby was still in Teal's hand. Peering at it Teal could feel how connected it was, to everyplace, at all times. All he needed to do was ask. A less desperate man would have questioned where asked the ruby had come from, have asked what possible cost there was to using a power this great. But Teal's knees had began to knock against each other from sheer exhaustion and hunger. "Bring me to a place where I can heal and eat" he wheezed at the ruby.

A portal opened before him.

"Thule, you will be avenged. And restored" Teal whispered under his breath.

He stepped through, to a land of green.

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Two-Headed Shark Attack

Well, that got tainted for me. Fast.

I'd seen a bit of Six-Headed Shark Attack, loved it, and decided I wanted to see the beginning of the series. So I talked with my brother as we were going on vacation. We wanted to see bad movies and laugh at them. I told him about Six-Headed, how much I liked it, and that I wanted to see the first one in the series. He agreed. Of course my sisters got roped into this whole thing, because why not? It's late at night, and the house is quiet and we could use the laugh.

Oh my goodness. The CGI. Yeah, that's the actual CGI up there. The picture does not do it justice, at all. I mean, I know there's worse CGI out there, but wow. Just wow. Watching two bodacious babes get swallowed whole by this thing was about the most amusing thing I've looked at since... well... Six-Headed Shark Attack! The opening minutes of this movie do not skimp. And it's great.

The acting is so bad, so awful, that it transcends almost all the classifications I can rationally give it. It doesn't help that the dialogue is especially horrendous, with the barest of one-liners and cliches to just give the barest hint of caricatures.

OK, I can't keep this up: I didn't finish the movie.

Here's why.

So throughout the flick the camera kept staying a bit too long on the vapid models, male and female, that they had hired to shoot this travesty. I know that's normal and all that, but this felt different to me. Weird. Predatory. The fact that in a number of shots the models (I really can't call them actors!) were playing it up to the camera, on purpose, did not help.

And yeah, I tried to ignore it. Whatever, right? Bring on the bad CGI sharks, that's what I'm here to see! Yeah, I know, they're probably going to show a little skin or whatever, but I'm not here for that, give me my freaking shark carnage showboating please. 

But right there, with my sisters watching, two of the models took their tops off.

Now, I'm no prude about this sorta thing. I've done life drawing classes, which completely redefine what it means to make comments about someone else's anatomy and not being a skeev while doing it. There is such a thing as tastefully done nudity that doesn't make you feel dirty looking at it. And yeah, it may have had something to do with the fact that my sisters were going "I DIDN'T COME FOR BOOBS I CAME FOR SHARKS" that put me off. But the simple fact of the matter was that the way the scene was shot felt... wrong. There was something to it that put me off in my gut.

So, at the behest of my sisters and my screaming gut, I turned it off.

I won't be coming back to it.

Maybe the other entries in the series are not exploitative. I know the bits of Six-Headed weren't, and I'll happily rewatch that and laugh about how awful that movie was. But Two-Headed Shark Attack felt mean-spirited. And I'm going to have to sit down and figure out why that is. Because I've got questions. Questions that I didn't have before watching the movie.

See, to me shark movies are about the triumph of the spiritual over the carnal. The best shark movie ever made, Jaws, doesn't reveal a whole lot about the protagonists of the movie. In fact, it hardly shows the shark. It focuses on the drama of valuing human life over profits, even if those profits may cause great discomfort.

OK, that's a bit simplified. And rough. But c'mon, Jaws is a freaking classic for a reason. It's what I got for the moment.

Let me try this with another shark movie that's actually good: The Shallows. In it Nancy Adams goes to the beach where her mother had been shortly before giving birth. Nancy does this to feel some sense of connection to her now-dead mother. The shark that attacks Nancy is a female great white, with scars from mating. The movie does not tell you that. But female sharks are always larger than male ones, and if you know anything about shark mating then you know it's bloody.

Yeah, I know the image is "too big". Yeah, it's on purpose.

That image? Right up there? That is what a shark movie is about. The secrets under the surface, the metaphor is very clearly right there, because that is a mama looking to devour a daughter who is trying to create a memory when she should be grieving.

I'm not sure how else to put it, but that image right above is what shark movies are about. Somehow.

Now, as a parody movie I think Two-Headed Shark attack needs to stick to those same rules, even while lampooning them. And lampooning a shark movie is certainly fun and praiseworthy! But I think you should stick to the rules of shark movies, epitomized in Jaws and The Shallows. I won't pretend to really know what those rules are. But they are there. I can feel them. And this movie broke them. Which means you just have a slasher film. I don't want a slasher film with a shark. I want a freaking shark film. And I wish I knew what that meant.

Hm, this may turn into a rabbit hole. We'll see!

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