Letters to God

 

Welcome back! Good to see you! We're going to listen to me rant about a long-standing problem today.

I have never, not even once, doubted that God exists. It's never been a question for me. I know there's people who are like "Well, there isn't a compelling reason to think there's a God." I have never had that question. Dunno why. I just haven't.

My question is a different type: if God is real, does He really love me? Can He?

This past week has been hard. I thought I was done with flashbacks, with PTSD. I even had said goodbye to my therapist in that capacity. All had been well.

Welp.

It's been a week of flashbacks, all the old self-destructive impulses, and the crushing realization that everything I have ever written on this blog is true... and that's not necessarily making me happy. I don't know what to do with myself. With my life. The realization that it's all true and I am somehow all of it has crashed in with the sickening epiphany that I'm still riddled with nervous tics that aren't healthy, moral injuries I can't even see, and a sense of fallibility that's frankly floored me.

These are all bullshit words to try and communicate a deep panic. Imagine some poor kid on a merry-go-round, puke flying out of his mouth, as he begs everyone to let him get off for a moment... and then collapses on the damn thing as it spins and cries. And it just never stops spinning. Even as he goes catatonic.

I came home today, trying very much to ignore these things. And found myself snapping at Maria. She'd done something small, and instead of just shrugging and going "Well, nobody's perfect," I went "WHY AREN'T YOU PERFECT WHEN I NEED YOU TO BE." I mean, why not? I put in the work, why shouldn't I have some demands.

The young and stupid are nodding along.

The older and happily married are going "OH SHIT YOU DIDN'T".

I almost did.

I sorta struggled through the rest of the objectively pleasant evening. It is amazing how damaging your own sins are, to your ability to enjoy a simple evening. But man, it almost ruined me this night. I just... sat through it. Let myself simmer and stew. I gritted my teeth and was present as best as I could be. I later tried telling Maria I was sorry, and that almost started a fight, but finally I just said "It wasn't small to me."

And her response?

"I know, but I couldn't do what you wanted. I can't just be what you want."

Rage came up.

Was swallowed.

And I really looked at this poor woman who had been blindsided with a battle neither of us anticipated. I felt, for just one moment, that quiet and tired thing that kept her coming back to me, radiating off of her.  The small, still Voice was in her tiredness. It always seems to be. He always seems to be in those moments when she's just trying to love me and I'm fighting her with every last bit of strength... and still she persists. What a saint. She's way too fucking good for me.

I nodded. "No, you can't. And that's okay."

She relaxed. She could tell I meant it.

And for one second I could feel something resembling peace.

It was short-lived. It isn't always, but tonight it is. Oh well. God knows my warring heart needs something to do, I suppose. Here we go. So, I'm sitting here, later, banging this out on my keyboard instead of cleaning the fucking kitchen, and I am saying, loudly, angrily, with more hope than I ever thought I could: "I'M NOT FUCKING DONE YET. IS THAT ALL YOU GOT??? I GOT A LOT MORE IN THE TANK, AND I'M STILL YOUNG. LET'S GO!"

Is that the wisest thing?

Probably not.

But I can only be what I am, and right now I am pissed off and want to take all that's evil within me and get rid of it. And I can feel that it is obliging me in the appointment. I am going to win.

So I get up, eager. Rage sparks through my bones, getting my muscles to work again... I see the incoming wave. I know that I am going back to the war. I will need to swim through this next tsunami of exhaustion, trauma, and moral damage. It's coming right at me.

Oh, Defender, if only you could see what I see, as I see it!

I can't run. The wave is too big. I wonder if it'll take me out. For one second there's a twinge of fear.

It turns to aggression, raw defiance: if I go down, it's going to be charging. Let's go. I start a run. Right into the darkness. Again.

Who knows? Maybe the eagles will come in time, this time. I keep seeing them, circling. Hopefully those aren't vultures. That would suck. Oh well. Only one way to find out. Hopefully God does love me, and those are eagles.

I suppose God loves vultures too. He gives them food, too, specifically those who don't make it. Even the bones of the fallen are used to benefit someone. Should I despair of God's love as He provides for the vultures?

Fuck it. Time to go live.

It is here I leave you, until next week. If I do not see you again, I do not blame you. It is no easy road.

The Dragon's Fire: Epilogue

 

The Dragon's Fire: Chapter Eleven

Rappa 21-25

The Queen, King Melny's wife, and their child have escaped to Sota City. Sota Fortress is fallen. Her honor guard surrounds her and the child jealously. They demand an accounting of where the king and his companions have been. The Argentum overlords are putting up with this "visiting" queen, but only because of the strength of her honor guard... and the viisuulas insisting that King Melny's family is to be protected. The Argentum general is compliant with the wisdom whales' wishes, for now...

Chapter Eleven (Rappa 26)

Moving Forward: The Crescendo Clubhouse

Welcome back! Today, we talk about turning the Crescendo discord server into a clubhouse.

It is always a question of what your goal is. Always. When I first started designing Crescendo the goal was raw: never leave that feeling I had at the end of Book of the Short Sun, and the rest of the Solar Cycle. I labored with that goal in mind. I have accomplished my goal, admirably even. But the problem shifted even as it was solved, and now I find myself at another crossroads: now that I have this game, what do I do with it?

That's a flawed question, as we'll see in a minute. Put a pin in it.

The biggest things that I got out of my time working on Crescendo have been threefold:

1. Gaming allows a form of vulnerability with people I find necessary.

2. As long as I stick with people, the project expands.

3. As the project expands, people will come on board who will want to do "more" with it, and may actually want to take point.

I do not think most people are naturally comfortable with being vulnerable with each other. I also think that people need to be vulnerable with each other. It is vital. It is not negotiable. Our culture is so bad with it, and the rift between what's expected of human beings and what's needed is now so wide that it's a wonder there aren't more suicides. Crescendo's helped with that problem, in a way that's a lot of fun, and I couldn't be prouder of what it's accomplished.

The more important point, however, has been that I simply do not have any ambition... because I like just playing with people. I like designing games and playing them with people. I don't particularly care for the business end of it. And I have found that, as long as I am playing with people and enjoying the time with them, things grow. And that's a nice byproduct of the one thing I really care about... playing the game.

The thing is, the other day one of the players just out and out suggested a mechanic that absolutely improves Crescendo. I never would have thought of it, but the idea was utterly correct. So, it's going into the 0e draft, which I'm currently working on. We'er going to playtest it, and make sure it works the way we thought it would. Now, if he can just show up and come up with an idea that I frankly could never have come up with, on my own, then someone better suited to this whole business bullshit may. I don't care, I just want to play the game with people.

And that, I think, is the real answer to the question I pinned earlier. I set out to chase a feeling I got from Gene Wolfe. I caught it. The game exists now, and it does what I wanted it to do. But the goal was never really to "have" the game. The goal was to feel that thing again, and then to share it. 

Turns out the best way to keep feeling it is to keep playing with people who make it better than I ever could alone. So maybe the next question isn't "what do I do with Crescendo?" 

Maybe it's simpler: keep showing up. Keep the table open. Keep making space for the next person who walks in with an idea I never would have had, or the next quiet player who finally feels safe enough to speak up. 

The game will keep growing, or it won't. People will run with it, or they won't. Business stuff will happen, or it won't. 

None of that is the point anymore.

The point is the table. The point is the moment when someone laughs, or cries, or leans in and says, "Wait… what if we did it like this?"

As long as that keeps happening, I’m exactly where I want to be.

Crescendo isn’t something I need to "do" anything with.

It’s something we get to keep doing. Together.

And that feels like a pretty good place to be.

So, with that in mind...

I am going to put up everything I have been developing, on Itch, and I'm going to start running them all, talking about them all. If we can get people trying these ideas, they'll help develop the philoisophy more.

So, c'mon over. Let's play some games!

Tsuro: The Perfect Party Game

 

Welcome back! Good to see you! Right this way, we’re going to talk about Tsuro. It’s the perfect party game. 

What’s a party game? I never actually knew that. Let’s go somewhere scholarly. 

“ Party games are games that are played at social gatherings to facilitate interaction and provide entertainment and recreation.”

Wikipedia

 Now that we have a technical definition. 

Tsuro is the perfect party game. Notice I didn’t say it was the best. I simply said “No notes”. If you don’t like Tsuro that’s nice. Something doesn’t need to be wrong with you to dislike it. 

But it is perfect. Here’s why.

First: rules are stupidly intuitive. Lay a tile down before your piece. The tile has a path. Advance your piece along that path. Other pieces advance down a path if you “accidentally” put a path before them while you’re laying a tile for yourself. You win by being the last guy on the board. 

Boom. Done. 

That alone is enough. It’s awesome. People can just play. 

But that’s not the end of it. See, most party games don’t have real consequences in the game. Points accrue, sure, but you don’t necessarily have the game funnel you. 

Tsuro funnels hard. Each tile you play creates branching paths, which takes up space on the board. You can’t get around this. Eventually you’ll find that your choices are viciously constrained. You run out of tile choices. You’re picking up the tiles of the fallen, hoping they’ll give you just one more turn. But eventually you run out of time. 

And you have to take yourself off the board. 

Most party games? They're yelling matches or mean-spirited roasts. Tsuro's elegant. Zen-like paths on a gorgeous board. A touch of strategy—block 'em, dodge 'em, pray for that perfect tile—but mostly pure, shared chaos. Everyone's in it together, watching the board shrink like a noose. 

May the best one evade it. 

"Consequences!"

And here I must leave you. If I don’t see you next week, I understand. It is no easy road. 

The Dragon’s Fire: Chapter 10

At this point, I am convinced of three things:

1. 1:1 time is essential for adapting Wolfe. Anyone who doubts this really needs to reread Wolfe a dozen times.

2. That Heroes simply don't care about what happens between... even if it's important to the world's response to the Heroes. There's times it really matters... and then there's the rest of it.

3. I don't want to model that out alone, and refuse to do so.

So we're going to make two more games. Coz I want to model Wolfe, and Wolfe is about 1:1 time, and Heroes don't care about it enough to make it worth throwing stuff at them.

More on that in next week's blog post.

Rappa 4-19

 For the past two weeks:

For Alistair and  King Melny, the entirety of  the Undermaze lights up with this powerful blue light. You start seeing visions of ones you love, striving and suffering and pushing, all for you. And then, on this last Sunday, a powerful blue flash happens, right at midnight... and you both bump into each other a few minutes later

And then, somehow, there's blue footsteps, leading you further.

Tell me about some of what you saw

Tasha saw that I hadn't made a prompt for her. I responded that she had walked into Faerie, and that time didn't work there like it does in the material plane... so nothing yet.

Alistair

As we follow the footprints it's like a dream where places are melded together, like when it's your bedroom but also a pool. I see Natasha's home but it's also the forest where I died, and the cave where I found the sword all at once. It's all places connected to both Natasha and Telos. It doesn't feel like a message but a reference. Like the index of choices and inevitabilities that brought me here.

King Melny

I see visions of all my past friends and rivals. From my first day in the company to the current day. I see the faces of the soldiers, the captain, the lieutenants. All of them meld together before melting away to reveal Alistair and Raphael. Signifying they are my true friends that have remained constant. Before I awake, I see a vision of my old self. He simply bows and tells me good luck before I awake.

Chapter 10 (Rappa 20)

After this Chapter, Cal and I talked and agreed that he was now a Legend. His acceptance of the reality of Natasha still being with him, regardless of what was actually going, was the trigger.

So now we're left with Raphael.

We're almost there, and the bittersweetness is so good.

RIP Junior. You're my favorite gentled demon son.

Dark Souls: Initial Report Session the Last

 

With their mission clear ("find the dragon and stab it with the magical spear, so you can whittle it down"), Hazbil and Fizbun come into a large room, filled with pillars and a vaulted ceiling. There's a wooden bridge at one end of the room, leading out into the utterly frozen wasteland, with another tower across the way. There's holes in the ceiling big enough for "their" dragon to poke his head and roast them alive.

I announced the DC for Stealth to go check out the wooden bridge: 24. Hazbil and Fizbun about burn out all their Position passing the check.

They get to the bridge, which is exposed to the cold that killed them almost instantly earlier. I make them a deal: they burn enough Position, they can cross the bridge, but it destroys their Stealth Check.

The dragon comes up behind them as they cross. They roll Initiative, and fail just closely enough to where they can burn the Position necessary to go before the dragon.... and thus roll for their combat Position. Hazbil has a higher Strength than Fizbun, so he lugs the spear right at the thing, and passes the thing pretty easily. With the spear that keeps the dragon's Position from resetting firmly lodged in it. Normally, I would make the rest of the campaign about them leveling up for this one boss fight. I certainly could have prepped that.

But the guy playing Fizbun really wants to run some Pathfinder, and I don't get people wanting to run games for me terribly often.

So.

We skipped that part.

We guessed it would take about eight tries to take the dragon down. The dragon began to disintegrate under the influence of the Flame. Fizbun, being a pyromancer, volunteered to take the Flame on, as he had some Flame resistance. But he needed help getting up the stairs to the Kiln. So they stumbled up to the Kiln, and Fizbun, the asshole who closed doors, fell into the Kiln at the top of the tower.

Hazbil looked down from the tower. The ice was starting to melt... and there was a ton of it. He would need to move fast if he wanted to get to the nearby mountains.

Thoughts on the System

By the end of this session,  the players had come to a different appreciate of the Position system. At any point in time, they could pass a roll. It was a question of whether or not they had the resources to do so. This means that the game becomes a series of rough calculate risks.

Or it could.

Could.

But, if you're not running the game as an old school mudcrawl.... this system just isn't going to work. Period. If you're not pitting the time against the Position of the players... there's no tension. The usual railroading 5e is known for just won't work here. You have to present real choices that require constant dice rolls for the system to function.

Will We Run This Game Again?

Fuck yes we will. It's not perfect (I made up the encounter dice), but my goodness it does mudcrawling so well, and I will happily draw up another map for it. However, I would do a few things differently:

Assign more random tables to different parts of the map. I only really used two, and that was a mistake. Players need more zones, where they can go and hide, or grind and level up. Things like that.

I would want to actually come up with a good boss fight "mechanic". Not sure how to do that, yet, but the core choices in this game  warrant some extra work. I think I would set up a BOTW/TOTK style map, with factions set up and whatnot. I can't really get other players to do faction play in the world, due to physical constraints, or I would.

I'll write a bit about Pathfinder 2e next. I have my own very loud and snooty opinions on that game, so we'll see how that goes.