Atchison: Session Two

Atchison: Session One

Atchison: Session 0

The Dragon's Fire: Reflections on a Wonderful Failure

 

Welcome back! Today I go over some of my thoughts on the latest Crescendo epic.

Games have design goals. They're meant to provide an experience, which keeps people coming back because they're having fun! The goal of Crescendo is to replicate the feeling of reading Wolfe, to take his principles and put them in a TTRPG space. Adaptation does not mean trying to replicate the original exactly, but to adapt its principles into a different medium.

So, on the one hand, Crescendo is a ton of fun. People are coming back and having a really meaningful time. Heroes are a wonderfully designed character type, and literally nothing in the TTRPG space exists that does what Heroes in Crescendo does. That's a fact. Heroes are successful. They successfully draw an arc found in Wolfe extremely well.

However, that doesn't mean Crescendo is successful in achieving the goal "replicating Wolfe's principles". And that is... not what Crescendo does. Not yet.

Let me try to explain. Let me try to show you what's wrong.

At the beginning of The Dragon's Fire, I introduced a girl-vampire (as in, a vampire who was turned when she was a girl), called The Bride. Now, I had a backstory for The Bride. She was a child who was brainwashed into thinking she loved Eous, The Big Bad. So when he turned her, as an 11 year old child, she went willingly. I didn't come up with more than that, just enough to know this NPC was evil, and liked it... and was seemingly naive about it in a way that should have been chilling.

The Bride showed up four times in thirty plus sessions of gameplay.

Four.

Now, to be clear, this wasn't exactly a problem, per se. The game does a good job of shaking up the spotlight around the players pretty thoroughly. So there was always something interesting going on, it just wasn't... well.. any of the villains, the monsters, of the setting. There were hints of what could have been depth, but nobody cared when Raphael took the Bride down, and when the original dragon vanished, nobody looked. This was because, in order to capture Wolfe's startling breadth of vision in a game, I had to put a completely different kind of workload on the Weaver, who is not a GM. As I have repeatedly stated. 

This is a problem for a few reasons:

1. Wolfe's stories manage to squeeze a lot of depth into each and every character that ever hits the page. They're not "NPCs", but protagonists in a stories that you simply can't linger on. The current set up does not support that feeling.

2. Without that depth, it is hard for players to fully invest in the setting itself. There needs to be some parts of the world that push back harder than others, in a way that preserves player autonomy.

3. Because of the chaos, the Weaver cannot focus on NPCs to develop.

4. The game is about challenging Beliefs and then holding the players responsible to the Myth. That's already a lot.

In short, I think this was the best campaign of Crescendo I have ever run, one of my best in general, and it was somewhat in spite of the game I made.

That.. doesn't make me feel good. My players were awesome, I was absolutely on fire, and Crescendo carried us pretty far... and could have carried us a lot farther.

Fortunately, there's a pretty simple fix.

Whatever you want to give depth to, you give to a player. 

GMs, who aren't having to work with half as many left-field "WTF" moments as a Crescendo Weaver, benefit incredibly from this principle (see the book on the right)... and that's going to go  triple for Weavers.

Fortunately, that's going to be really easy to mine out of Wolfe, because he gets into the psychology of monsters, a lot: they're simply creatures who don't want any change to affect them. They cannot adapt in a way that others can work with, because their very nature makes them unable to adapt in a way that's friendly to others.

Wolfe's stories do not skimp on monsters who have very deep, very complicated, inner lives... that are utterly unable to do anything other than look to their own interests. Unlike Heroes, whose development can go anywhere, Monsters can only be interested in themselves... and have an infinity of ways of thinking about their own needs.

Someone's going to go "Just stop developing already! Move on!"

No.

Let's get this clear, for anyone who's reading this and who cares. This is my hobby. This is for fun. Anyone who thinks I am trying to develop a commercial product needs to rethink their assumptions.

I am not.

Yeah, sure, there's a PDF up on DriveThruRPG. You can go buy it for five bucks. It would be nice if you did. But I also just drop the PDF on people for free, because this is what I do for fun. If it makes money, cool. If it doesn't... okay? I want this damn game to do Wolfe. And it's gonna do it. 

Because the stuff this game does right deserves to be supported. I think about King Melny the Dragonslayer, Alistair the Serpentbane, and Raphael the Hordefighter... and my goodness that legitimately makes my heart hurt, in the best way possible. These huge legends and the things they did that literally nobody will know about. The apology of King Melny, where he admitted that his evil ways were born of fear and how he wanted to be better... and how that cost him Junior. Like, that hit me really hard. Alistair trying to understand how Natasha was still with him, actually with him, even after death, and failing to do so, and having to accept that he would never fully get it. Raphael holding his friend after a good and long life and being the last thing he ever saw. 

That shit means something to me. It lives in me, in the best way possible. Those memories are the reason I run games like this. Like, sure, I want to have fun too, but... there's something so human in it, and I need that. I think people in  general need that: unplanned humanity.

My priority is that experience, at my table. And Monsters will make that stronger. There could have been the moment where The Bride doubled down on her evil, in a way that shows she literally can't think of another way to do things, eliciting pity and horror. There could have been the moment where the original dragon tried to escape her tormentors and failed. That wouldn't have taken away from the Dragonslayer, Serpentbane, and Hordefighter. Quite the opposite. It would have made those moments even better, because the pity and horror of The Bride would have made the good moment sharper.

But that requires adding things to the game, and that's fine. The design shall continue until morale improves!

So yeah. This was a gorgeous failure. Let's make the next one work better. ONWARDS.

It is here that I leave you. If I do not see you next time, I do not blame you. It is no easy road.

Letters to God

 

Welcome back! Good to see you! We're going to listen to me rant about a long-standing problem today.

I have never, not even once, doubted that God exists. It's never been a question for me. I know there's people who are like "Well, there isn't a compelling reason to think there's a God." I have never had that question. Dunno why. I just haven't.

My question is a different type: if God is real, does He really love me? Can He?

This past week has been hard. I thought I was done with flashbacks, with PTSD. I even had said goodbye to my therapist in that capacity. All had been well.

Welp.

It's been a week of flashbacks, all the old self-destructive impulses, and the crushing realization that everything I have ever written on this blog is true... and that's not necessarily making me happy. I don't know what to do with myself. With my life. The realization that it's all true and I am somehow all of it has crashed in with the sickening epiphany that I'm still riddled with nervous tics that aren't healthy, moral injuries I can't even see, and a sense of fallibility that's frankly floored me.

These are all bullshit words to try and communicate a deep panic. Imagine some poor kid on a merry-go-round, puke flying out of his mouth, as he begs everyone to let him get off for a moment... and then collapses on the damn thing as it spins and cries. And it just never stops spinning. Even as he goes catatonic.

I came home today, trying very much to ignore these things. And found myself snapping at Maria. She'd done something small, and instead of just shrugging and going "Well, nobody's perfect," I went "WHY AREN'T YOU PERFECT WHEN I NEED YOU TO BE." I mean, why not? I put in the work, why shouldn't I have some demands.

The young and stupid are nodding along.

The older and happily married are going "OH SHIT YOU DIDN'T".

I almost did.

I sorta struggled through the rest of the objectively pleasant evening. It is amazing how damaging your own sins are, to your ability to enjoy a simple evening. But man, it almost ruined me this night. I just... sat through it. Let myself simmer and stew. I gritted my teeth and was present as best as I could be. I later tried telling Maria I was sorry, and that almost started a fight, but finally I just said "It wasn't small to me."

And her response?

"I know, but I couldn't do what you wanted. I can't just be what you want."

Rage came up.

Was swallowed.

And I really looked at this poor woman who had been blindsided with a battle neither of us anticipated. I felt, for just one moment, that quiet and tired thing that kept her coming back to me, radiating off of her.  The small, still Voice was in her tiredness. It always seems to be. He always seems to be in those moments when she's just trying to love me and I'm fighting her with every last bit of strength... and still she persists. What a saint. She's way too fucking good for me.

I nodded. "No, you can't. And that's okay."

She relaxed. She could tell I meant it.

And for one second I could feel something resembling peace.

It was short-lived. It isn't always, but tonight it is. Oh well. God knows my warring heart needs something to do, I suppose. Here we go. So, I'm sitting here, later, banging this out on my keyboard instead of cleaning the fucking kitchen, and I am saying, loudly, angrily, with more hope than I ever thought I could: "I'M NOT FUCKING DONE YET. IS THAT ALL YOU GOT??? I GOT A LOT MORE IN THE TANK, AND I'M STILL YOUNG. LET'S GO!"

Is that the wisest thing?

Probably not.

But I can only be what I am, and right now I am pissed off and want to take all that's evil within me and get rid of it. And I can feel that it is obliging me in the appointment. I am going to win.

So I get up, eager. Rage sparks through my bones, getting my muscles to work again... I see the incoming wave. I know that I am going back to the war. I will need to swim through this next tsunami of exhaustion, trauma, and moral damage. It's coming right at me.

Oh, Defender, if only you could see what I see, as I see it!

I can't run. The wave is too big. I wonder if it'll take me out. For one second there's a twinge of fear.

It turns to aggression, raw defiance: if I go down, it's going to be charging. Let's go. I start a run. Right into the darkness. Again.

Who knows? Maybe the eagles will come in time, this time. I keep seeing them, circling. Hopefully those aren't vultures. That would suck. Oh well. Only one way to find out. Hopefully God does love me, and those are eagles.

I suppose God loves vultures too. He gives them food, too, specifically those who don't make it. Even the bones of the fallen are used to benefit someone. Should I despair of God's love as He provides for the vultures?

Fuck it. Time to go live.

It is here I leave you, until next week. If I do not see you again, I do not blame you. It is no easy road.

The Dragon's Fire: Epilogue

 

The Dragon's Fire: Chapter Eleven

Rappa 21-25

The Queen, King Melny's wife, and their child have escaped to Sota City. Sota Fortress is fallen. Her honor guard surrounds her and the child jealously. They demand an accounting of where the king and his companions have been. The Argentum overlords are putting up with this "visiting" queen, but only because of the strength of her honor guard... and the viisuulas insisting that King Melny's family is to be protected. The Argentum general is compliant with the wisdom whales' wishes, for now...

Chapter Eleven (Rappa 26)