I am very late to this party. I saw this series of videos during 2019, and have been sitting on them ever since, trying to figure out my opinion. Like or dislike his thoughts, Dave the Distributist's thoughtfulness cannot be denied. And this series of videos on nerd culture has continued to rock me to my core, years and and years later. After attempting to write about gaming and other nerd/geek stuff for about five years, I realized that this series of videos is at the very bottom of my worldview. And I had to get it out of the way if I wanted to write about gaming or really anything else.
Thanks, Dave. Thanks a lot.
In highschool I was Eddie from Stranger Things, without the drugs (or the repeated failures at school):
No, really, that was me. Granted, my hair wasn't that long (it's longer now!), but the attitude? Yup. That's it. I mentioned it to a friend of mine who knew me early in college and he about died laughing, because it's really not an exaggeration. I found friends in large part because of DnD, Magic, video games, and Firefly, as opposed to my heavily chaotic and extreme personality. And going into college I found myself really only feeling comfortable in those elements.
But suffering hammers and expands one into something you don't really expect. I found myself wanting more out of my interests and hobbies... and couldn't get it. And had no idea why. And then I found Burning Wheel. There's a few years of posts of that game on this blog. and while I haven't played the game in a while it still holds a near and dear place in my heart. I used the game to explore and process, particularly with The Giggling Dark and The Undertow, both of which I consider the highest points of my GMing Career so far.
All this to say that I never really was into nerd culture for anything other than a vehicle to explore meaning. I've never really experienced the urge to use my interests as an anti-movement, a wish to destroy, to eradicate societal concepts that were persecuting me. If I was against anything it was against being pointless, of having no meaning at all. Whatever burning hatred of humanity I have, it is total, as opposed to directed at one particular social caste. I think humans, in general, suck horribly and I see no reason to exclude one group from that hatred. Not that this is a good thing, mind you, but whatever baggage and damage I have, hating a particular group and resisting them isn't one of those things I have to struggle with.
But I've noticed that I'm not in the majority company of those I share interests with, both generally and with things like RPGs and games and comics and whatnot. The particular areas of "nerddom" I inhabit are more than a bit left-leaning, with an assumed "Us VS Them" mentality that makes running around those circles really hard to manage. I've noticed this alienation for years but could not figure out what to do with it. How do you tell your own "home camp" that you think that everyone sucks pretty damn equally, and that you don't really understand the need to hate conservatives? Or Christians? Or the physically fit jarheads? And that, really, by fixating upon these groups they've just done what was done to them in reverse, and thus made themselves the perpetuators of a cycle that they claim to want to end? It's not that I mind people have different opinions than I, but simply that, if you're going to stand for something, stand for it, as opposed to using it as a weapon to fight someone else.
Oh, wait, I'm sorry, I forgot, the evil conservatives and Christians are out to get all progressives and trans people!
And the evil progressives and trans people are out to get all conservatives and Christians!
I literally just had to switch the subject and object of the sentence. Structure's the same. It's the same ideology: abuser vs abused, attacker vs victim. And there's the same stoking of a war spirit, the same "let's just enjoy our shit until we have to kill each other" nonsense going on. Eat, drink, fuck, for tomorrow we kill each other.
And, before any progressive stupid enough to argue with that opens their mouth, this is from one of the bigger RPG Discord groups I'm a part of:
And, while I don't have any examples from conservatives close at hand at the time of the writing of this post, I'm sure you wouldn't have to look very far to find it. These groups of nerds are stuffed to the brim with rage, and the only reason why anyone reading this post doesn't see it is because they're in it. Because it's that obvious.
If you are saying "BUT VIOLENCE AGAINST TRANS AND LGBTQ FOLX IS REAL" you didn't read my last few words.
Try again.
If you still can't see it please go find an adult. No, it's clearly not you. I stated exactly what I meant, word for word. If you think that means I'm downtalking your side, whoever you are, you didn't read for comprehension.
I'm moving on.
Atop all this I kept finding this weird materialistic consumption at the heart of the culture: buy, watch, consume! Now I definitely live in a glass house when it comes to this sorta thing: I'm a sucker for Kickstarters and random shiny games, and I'm keeping up with the Star Wars train and enjoying it. But I don't necessarily view this tendency as a virtue, but as a vicious flaw that I struggle against with all my might, even if it's the weak struggle of a spiritual invalid. But I can hardly go a week without having to roll my eyes at yet another soulless Marvel movie coming out, or some element of "come and be a part of this large corporately sponsored story that's not quite good enough to be nourishing but not quite bad enough to get you to walk away in disgust!", which comes with a wave of toys, collectibles, and licensed properties.
Yes, I know this includes Star Wars.
This was one series of videos I did not want to sit through. I felt distinctly uncomfortable throughout them, but only because I realized I could finally have a language for what I was feeling. There's sometimes you don't want to look a problem in the face, because to see it means you have to change in order to address it. And change can be quite painful and lonely. I've had a lot of both in my life. I'd prefer not to do more.
To live is to be in pain. After more than two decades of trying to ignore this fact of living I've gotten tired of trying to run from it. So. Let's do this.
Fundamentally, generally, I think Dave is right. I've never not seen general geek/nerd culture as much more than a counter-movement against the ideal of an integrated person. And I find that sad! This whole nerd culture thing doesn't have to be anti-integrationalist. I think both soul and body are absolutely necessary. I try not to use my more intellectual interests as a cage to keep the stresses of my body out, but as a way to process them so that I can return to my body, revitalized and ready. Gaming, particularly tabletop gaming, has helped me make sense of my world in a way I couldn't do otherwise. There is something to be said for taking the principles of the world and putting them into a rulebook. There is definitely something to be said for taking the rules of reality and dressing them up a bit differently so you can get a better look at them. Our bodies are exhausting to live in, regardless of why they are. It's nice to get out and about every once in a while, without them. That's a universal, human, need. If I believed in rights I'd not hesitate to call it such. But I don't believe in rights. So I won't be saying such silly things.
I don't know if anyone "On the other side" of this divide would agree with my analysis. But elephants in a room generally don't notice the mice they squish, regardless of how loud they squeak. And I am definitely not that elephant.
SQUEAK.
Part Two Next Week!
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