Gollum Always Trips

When I woke up this morning something felt off. It got under my radar, of course. It has for the last six years. As the day goes on I just… sour. My mood begins to swing suddenly. I’ll lose my temper faster than I’d like. Little twitches in my peripheral vision start making me nervous. It’s the day of a thousand paper cuts. 

And then the bottom drops out. 

And I’m staring that dammed darkness in the face, once again. 

I try to ignore it. Really, I do! But that’s not a paper cut I’m dealing with anymore. Now I’m dealing with a full on emotional gut wound. No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I can’t stop the memories. The horror.

And oh God the rage. It feels so good. 

Most days I’d just melt before this awful waterfall of rage and pain. Fold up shop. Disengage. Disassociate. I’ve been doing this since I was six, I’m an old hand at it by now! What’s one more time? Why not just zone out, let myself go and surrender, again?

Why not?

Why?

Why was it different this time?!?? Why couldn’t I quit??

Because now a part of me refused to budge: “No,” it said. “Not again. I’m not leaving my family, my friends, myself. I refuse.”

“Fuck you, I’m in pain!” I found myself whispering back. “I need this.”

“Not as much as they need you.”

And there it was. When the hell had I become so altruistic? It had never stopped me before! I grew angry. And then afraid. What would happen to me now?? How was this happening and how could I stop it? “I DONT CARE WHO I HURT YOU’RE IN MY WAY.”

That’s not true, said a small, still voice. You’ve always cared. But you let your fear get in the way. 

“Yeah, so???”

That makes you a coward, doesn’t it?

“Fuck you!”

That doesn’t make Me wrong. 

I sat there a moment. “So what do I do?”

Come die with Me. I Am dead. I sit here, in the land of the dead, waiting. The yoke is easy. The burden light. Come and suffer and die. 

“FUCK YOU NO”

Something will die regardless of what you do. Would you like it to be your connection to your wife, children, friends, Me? Or will you finally see what’s on the other side? Will you come and be dead with Me?

I’m not entirely sure what happened the next hour. I know I walked and raved like a lunatic, the pain causing my jaw to disengage and work on its own. I don’t remember much. The pain was insanity itself, driving me deeper and deeper into somewhere that…

There was a light. 

Somewhere, deep down in this horror, there was the tiniest of lights in my soul. And it sputtered. And waved. But it held. Defiant. Beautiful. 

This is all that was left. You almost put it out. 

I cupped the light in my hands and blew softly, coaxing it. Begging. Pleading. With it. That made the pain so much worse. But I couldn’t. This was all I had left. And I knew I couldn’t leave it. Not again.

There was a blaze of white light in my mind.

And now the pain is back. The storm in my soul is at a fever pitch. But I hold a little light in my left hand, glowing a gentle white in my mind. The pain is so much worse than I ever thought it could be. 

Storms end. 

But if I give up this one won’t. 

It may be a fool’s errand. But looking at the existential wreckage within what else am I but the greatest of fools? It a fool’s hope, that I can be fixed. It’s a fool’s hope, to beg for mercy when I can see the damage I’ve done myself. I don’t deserve mercy. No rational being would give me any, not after what I’ve done. It’s foolish to even think the words.

That suits me perfectly. Gollum does trip, after all. No, I don’t count the dumbass movie. Gollum always trips. 

A fool’s hope is enough. For now. It’s just a matter of time  

There are two people I’d like to dedicate this post to. The first is my wife, who keeps telling me I’m worth keeping around. I’m not even close to really believing her, but she seems to mean it to herself and that’s a damned sight better than I ever noticed before. You’re everything to me, darling. Thank you. 

The second person is highly unlikely to ever read this, but she’s been singing her heart out to the first song the last month. Thank you for writing it and for continuing to sing it, years later. I don’t think I would have known to look without your song.