Thanksgiving 2020

 

I sit here at work, thankful. 

My experience of 2020 was a bit different than most folks. Already hardly going out because of family obligations, the quarantine changed very little of my own life. I was already in the throws of CPTSD; not a whole lot could have changed in my stress level, simply because I was almost maxed out to begin with. At the time it seemed like a simple choice: break or keep going. 2020 just added to the list. But each and every thing added to it made another decision point: break or keep going. And all of a sudden I have found a strength that I could not have found otherwise. I do not make the mistake of saying that strength is within me, because it can leave at any moment it wishes. Rather, it is on loan, since I have asked for it. 

I did not realize I even had the strength that I do until about two weeks ago. I was cleaning my parish with my wife and family. I was alone, in the church proper, with the icons. I've never felt detached from icons the way that some do. To me they are not detached, but resilient; iconographical faces are not uncaring, but unflinching. They look into the horrors of our lives and do not flinch. And, in the faces of those who do not flinch, I could not help but not to flinch at my own life. 

And you know what? When I look at my life and don't flinch for all the sores, bruises, cuts, and horrific burns, I have it really good. My wife and my children continuously provide me with light and love that I'd never look for alone. It's good to have someone who can consistently call out my self-deceptions, and none do it gentler than my angelic wife, or so sweetly as my sons.  My family overall is in a better place than it has been and is only getting better, because everyone wishes it that way. I game two to three times a week, which allows all the rushing ideas I have in my head to have a place to go. I am beginning to return to my iconography. My job is as secure as I can get it.

The year 2020 will pass. My Complex PTSD will also pass, the pains and anxieties I feel now are going to change and do something different. But I'm blessed enough to not just have wonderful things, but social distancing, the worries about a growing techno-totalitarianism, and a heavy dose of PTSD to remind me to focus on the things that actually matter to me. It's not an easy lesson to learn, but without those negative things would I really focus on what I actually love and enjoy?

And so therefore I am thankful for being so blessed.

I mean, c'mon, I can sit around and listen to this, my day can't be that bad.